Today I have finally decided to talk openly about the one thing I have tried avoiding/forgetting, whatever adjectives that is related to delete, about the illness that have haunt me 2 yearsago. I hated this word and have always avoided it. Some of you may wonder what exactly. The word is, Tuberculosis.

I mean this post has been lying in here saved as drafts for eons and today just today I have finally decided to let it go and move on. You know they say you'll never really move forward if you're still keeping the past, right? Right. So here I am, letting go.

I had doubts when FS decided to take our relationship to the next level. I mean don't get mewrong. I love the man, we're still working on trust issues but everyone has insecurities that's where we learn and grow as a couple you see. My main worry was what if I fall sick again? What if the 12 pills I had to swallow daily for the past nine months suddenly develops side effects? What if I can't start a family or what if I'm a burden to this one amazing man again? Questions I thought I would never have to worry about.

Let me just brief you about the time I was ill. When the doctor diagnosed me with TB, I could literally see my world falling apart. Everything was in slow mo and I couldn't hear what the doctor was saying. It sounded loud and fuzzy but nothing was registering in my head. I thought i was going to die. I didnt know how advanced medicine was at that time so well yeah... you get my drift. I don't really know how I got it or when exactly... but I was losing weight rapidly not in a good way but in a sickly way. I had fever on and off and heartburn so frequently I thought I'm going to have a stroke. Things started going downhill from there. It has stopped me from doing things I love and things that I could have achieved. I couldn't travel. No wait, I was forbidden to travel not because I was a threat to others (initially yes I was), but because I was on medication. I had to visit the clinic every single day before work to take my meds. I made friends with the nicest nurses and won over some of the very fiercest ones too. Every single week I was being poked and choked. They had to do a sputum test on me where they will use a rod and choke it down my throat to see how infectious I was. Oh did I mentioned the fact that I was quarantined for one month? I love children and what was hardest was I couldn't have Annie over at my place or kiss Aqeil(he was just a baby back then, at his most adorable age) because I was paranoid. I was depressed, worried, upset, unhealthy and was at the lowest point of my life.

I worried about the love ones whom I could have infected. Who had to go through check ups because of me. Who had to undergo medication because of me. This was the period I finally learn that a person's heart is indeed huge. I felt pain,  sadness, anger, sorrow all at the same time. It was then I realised that my heart was big enough to store all these feelings I never thought I could. What pains me the most was I couldn't see FS for the longest period. I couldn't be in the same enclosed room with anyone. I had to put on the irritating mask and worst of all..... I had to mask my feelings. I learned to be strong. Every night I went to sleep asking why me? I learnt now not to question because He decides because He has bigger plans for me and everything happens for a reason. Our dates were spent mostly in hospitals because of checkups. Seeing my mom worry was the toughest. So I tried my best to be strong for her. Even when inside it was killing me. Even when inside I was crying so hard... i tried my best to not let it show.

There was only twice I remembered breaking down. Once, when my Yai(grandad) and my Nenek called crying. I felt so disappointed with myself for making them worry about me.  Second, was the time when one of my closest friend at work cried because she had to go through a check up because of me. She didn't blame me I know that. She has always been afraid of needles and hospitals cause one of her closest kin passed away because of something similar. When she cried, all the tears that I've been holding back came pouring. I blamed myself. I thought I was a burden. It came to a point when I wanted everything to end. What a coward, some of you may say. But looking at the people around you suffer because of you was enough to bring even the toughest man whose heart is made of bricks surrender to tears and just give up.

I knew sorry wouldn't make up for it. And I'm still sorry for all the worries or burdens that I've put some of them through. It was.... tough listening to some things. I told myself, there was only 2 choices. Either I caved in and surrender or I could toughen up and live life to the fullest.

What was hard was that you'll be reminded of it time and again. Even when you're applying for a new job. You know the column when you have to declare any illnesses you had? Tuberculosis was one of it. I had no confidence and it sucks to be carrying around the same letter stating you've undergone treatment and now its important to bring to your interviews.  Not to mention I have my very own X-ray to bring if they need me to undergo medical check up. That was that time when I interviewed for Sq. I gave up. They questioned me about it and I had no answer. No witty comebacks no fantastic reply. Nothing.

The thing is, I've come to a point where I'm not going to let TB affect me anymore. No more denials no more thinking it never happened. It happened and I have to get over it. So now if in an interview they asked what's unique about me I'll tell them bravely with confidence. That..... I am a girl who had TB and overcame it. It has taught me patience, the whole 9 months of medication I had to undergo and the needles I had to endure. It has taught me to be strong, not just for myself but for those whom I cared about. It has taught me love. To love without any boundaries, to love fiercely and to love freely. I loved everyone who was there for me. The cards you made delivered to my house, your hugs, your texts, your calls, your worries. I adore them. TB has opened up my eyes to see that people care without boundaries, people love so freely and people worry so fiercely and I am so blessed to be able to witness all these. And also the reason why i knew FS was the one. He stood by me in sickness and in health and still asked me to marry him after all that. I said yes btw, hehe. Ill remember this forever. It's all in the view. Thats what i mean about forever, too. For some of us forever could end in an hour and others a hundred years from now. You never know for sure, so you better make every second count. Words cannot explain the gratitude I have or the feelings I felt but it was an experience. One which have taught me alot.

So what if I'm a girl who had TB?  Heh.