While FS is out running errands finding dulang kaki (whatever that means) here I am taking naps in between emails. Maklumlah keje shift. Whattado it's just.... life. Plus no work means no wedding. So well you get my drift.

Meanwhile, Mom asked me to source out for things for the upcoming event. So while browsing, I suddenly had a brilliant idea! Or so I'd like to think. (this is before I kena marah by my mom upside down centre) You know nowadays people are trying to create personal touches for their own events kan? So I thought why not I make my own berkat as well! This is before I thought of the time and effort one requires to do around, say what 1000 berkats?!  But people can berangan right? Plus wedding is still a loooooonnng way to go.

I showed my mom these pegs I thought was cute and then we can, you know cepit it on the chocolate or handkerchief or whatever main thing we wanted. Sadly my idea was rejected, she was appalled and start lah her nagging of I-ask-you-to-do-one-thing-but-you-came-up-with-something-so-merepek-i-dont-know-what-is-in-your-mind kind of nag.

Let me show you what I was referring to or what I wanted to do, my own personal touch lah kan. My very own message in a peg! K, the ones below I did those for FS birthday. He had a hard time figuring out where the message is and I had the most hilarious time laughing at him cause he looked so confused like a little boy trying to figure out what Santa gave him for Christmas, k I'm digressing. Anyways, take a look at my 'konon konon' personal touch idea.



Since FS has already popped the question, reality starts to set in.

Along come the strings of events which to me is no need also can lah. To us it wasnt important or our top priority but as you all know or in turn to come will find out, the wedding isnt about you and him; its us and the world.

So its best as a couple you stick together, iron out the differences and try to not to kill each other in the process.

Good luck eh.
Today I have finally decided to talk openly about the one thing I have tried avoiding/forgetting, whatever adjectives that is related to delete, about the illness that have haunt me 2 yearsago. I hated this word and have always avoided it. Some of you may wonder what exactly. The word is, Tuberculosis.

I mean this post has been lying in here saved as drafts for eons and today just today I have finally decided to let it go and move on. You know they say you'll never really move forward if you're still keeping the past, right? Right. So here I am, letting go.

I had doubts when FS decided to take our relationship to the next level. I mean don't get mewrong. I love the man, we're still working on trust issues but everyone has insecurities that's where we learn and grow as a couple you see. My main worry was what if I fall sick again? What if the 12 pills I had to swallow daily for the past nine months suddenly develops side effects? What if I can't start a family or what if I'm a burden to this one amazing man again? Questions I thought I would never have to worry about.

Let me just brief you about the time I was ill. When the doctor diagnosed me with TB, I could literally see my world falling apart. Everything was in slow mo and I couldn't hear what the doctor was saying. It sounded loud and fuzzy but nothing was registering in my head. I thought i was going to die. I didnt know how advanced medicine was at that time so well yeah... you get my drift. I don't really know how I got it or when exactly... but I was losing weight rapidly not in a good way but in a sickly way. I had fever on and off and heartburn so frequently I thought I'm going to have a stroke. Things started going downhill from there. It has stopped me from doing things I love and things that I could have achieved. I couldn't travel. No wait, I was forbidden to travel not because I was a threat to others (initially yes I was), but because I was on medication. I had to visit the clinic every single day before work to take my meds. I made friends with the nicest nurses and won over some of the very fiercest ones too. Every single week I was being poked and choked. They had to do a sputum test on me where they will use a rod and choke it down my throat to see how infectious I was. Oh did I mentioned the fact that I was quarantined for one month? I love children and what was hardest was I couldn't have Annie over at my place or kiss Aqeil(he was just a baby back then, at his most adorable age) because I was paranoid. I was depressed, worried, upset, unhealthy and was at the lowest point of my life.

I worried about the love ones whom I could have infected. Who had to go through check ups because of me. Who had to undergo medication because of me. This was the period I finally learn that a person's heart is indeed huge. I felt pain,  sadness, anger, sorrow all at the same time. It was then I realised that my heart was big enough to store all these feelings I never thought I could. What pains me the most was I couldn't see FS for the longest period. I couldn't be in the same enclosed room with anyone. I had to put on the irritating mask and worst of all..... I had to mask my feelings. I learned to be strong. Every night I went to sleep asking why me? I learnt now not to question because He decides because He has bigger plans for me and everything happens for a reason. Our dates were spent mostly in hospitals because of checkups. Seeing my mom worry was the toughest. So I tried my best to be strong for her. Even when inside it was killing me. Even when inside I was crying so hard... i tried my best to not let it show.

There was only twice I remembered breaking down. Once, when my Yai(grandad) and my Nenek called crying. I felt so disappointed with myself for making them worry about me.  Second, was the time when one of my closest friend at work cried because she had to go through a check up because of me. She didn't blame me I know that. She has always been afraid of needles and hospitals cause one of her closest kin passed away because of something similar. When she cried, all the tears that I've been holding back came pouring. I blamed myself. I thought I was a burden. It came to a point when I wanted everything to end. What a coward, some of you may say. But looking at the people around you suffer because of you was enough to bring even the toughest man whose heart is made of bricks surrender to tears and just give up.

I knew sorry wouldn't make up for it. And I'm still sorry for all the worries or burdens that I've put some of them through. It was.... tough listening to some things. I told myself, there was only 2 choices. Either I caved in and surrender or I could toughen up and live life to the fullest.

What was hard was that you'll be reminded of it time and again. Even when you're applying for a new job. You know the column when you have to declare any illnesses you had? Tuberculosis was one of it. I had no confidence and it sucks to be carrying around the same letter stating you've undergone treatment and now its important to bring to your interviews.  Not to mention I have my very own X-ray to bring if they need me to undergo medical check up. That was that time when I interviewed for Sq. I gave up. They questioned me about it and I had no answer. No witty comebacks no fantastic reply. Nothing.

The thing is, I've come to a point where I'm not going to let TB affect me anymore. No more denials no more thinking it never happened. It happened and I have to get over it. So now if in an interview they asked what's unique about me I'll tell them bravely with confidence. That..... I am a girl who had TB and overcame it. It has taught me patience, the whole 9 months of medication I had to undergo and the needles I had to endure. It has taught me to be strong, not just for myself but for those whom I cared about. It has taught me love. To love without any boundaries, to love fiercely and to love freely. I loved everyone who was there for me. The cards you made delivered to my house, your hugs, your texts, your calls, your worries. I adore them. TB has opened up my eyes to see that people care without boundaries, people love so freely and people worry so fiercely and I am so blessed to be able to witness all these. And also the reason why i knew FS was the one. He stood by me in sickness and in health and still asked me to marry him after all that. I said yes btw, hehe. Ill remember this forever. It's all in the view. Thats what i mean about forever, too. For some of us forever could end in an hour and others a hundred years from now. You never know for sure, so you better make every second count. Words cannot explain the gratitude I have or the feelings I felt but it was an experience. One which have taught me alot.

So what if I'm a girl who had TB?  Heh.




And so phase one is over just like that. It wasnt something we've planned. But along the way, i was taught that nothing ever really does happen according to plan. So we've decided to let nature take its course.    

As usual we'd start slow, the way we always did, because the run, the planning could go on for awhile. Maybe even forever.That was the thing. You just never knew. Forever was so many different things. It was always changing, it was what everything was really all about. It was twenty minutes, or a hundred years, or just this instant, or any instant I wished would last and last. But there was only one truth about forever that really mattered, and that was this: it was happening.
But who can say what's best? That's why you need to grab whatever chance you have of happiness where you find it, and not worry about other people too much.

But then, things get messy when the 'other people' you're referring to are people you care about.

Just like that, we're back to square 1.
10 March 2013.

Since then, how many months have past? Even the numbers to the years have changed. Months have past playing repeats for 3 times now. So. Now the question that lies ringing in everyone's mind. What has changed?

I've grown older though I'm not that ecstatically excited over the increasing number, wiser I hope. I am coming to terms with the fact that loving someone requires a leap of faith, and that a soft landing is never guaranteed.

I have learnt that some things don't last forever,  but some things do. Like a good song, or a good book, or a good memory you can take out and unfold in your darkest times. And some things are meant to be broken. Imperfect. Chaotic. It's maybe just the universe way of providing contrast you know? There have to be a few holes in the road. It's how life is.

So ive learnt that Life has no guarantees but what matters is the future, the right now. Now. Now. Now.